I had boyfriends, even though i knew i was gay

Ive questioned my sexuality my whole life. I knew I liked girls but didn’t exactly know how to go about that or what to do. I didn’t have any representation of lesbians growing up. No tv shows, no neighbors, no peers, nothing. I kept it all inside and was confused until I finally acted upon it.

I dated a guy “seriously” for the first time when I was 15. he was my first real boyfriend. In my mind, he checked all the boxes… except the one that I was hiding from the world.

we dated for about a year and a half and he was honestly my best friend and I did not love, but it wasn’t the in love type of love. at the time I was convincing myself it was because there was always something in my that questioned everything. it was like I didn’t feel complete. ⁣

after that relationship ended, I got into another one. and yet again, with a boy, and was still feeling the same thing. we were friends before we got together so I still felt that incompleteness but still loved him.

you ever get that feeling of trying to hard but nothing ever seems to work? yeah, that’s exactly what it felt like.

I was constantly chasing this life that i thought I HAD to live, while the life that I WANTED to live was right in front of me.

then it happened. when I was 17, I finally kissed a girl. it was that moment when I was like, wow. this is the feeling that was missing. this is the spark and the moment I finally felt complete.

but what would everyone think of me? how was I supposed to tell everyone in my life that I like her? This was a super scary and confusing time for me because I knew this is exactly what I was waiting for but I was more focused on pleasing everyone else, than I was myself.

but in that moment & this life changing part of my life, it didn’t matter what people thought. I had to put my own feeling and my own wants before their. I had to focus on me.

I have been focusing on me every since & wow has it turned out to be better than I expected.
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